NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their money in a …
Category: The Onion
You Can Still Get Taylor Swift Tickets Down This Dark Alley By Crawling Into Back Of This Van
Read more…
Biden Administration Under Fire For Breaking Child Labor Laws After Half Of Cabinet Revealed To Be Under Age Of 10
WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for breaking child labor laws after half of the federal cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. “We’ve confirmed that the…
Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Failed Attempts At Domesticating Crocodiles
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of li…
Retired Coach K Spends Afternoon Screaming At Ducks To Get Back On Defense
DURHAM, NC—Pacing back and forth in front of a park bench on a beautiful sunny day, retired Duke University basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski reportedly spent Thursday afternoon screaming at the ducks to get back on defense. “What are you doing over th…
Tweets Andrew Tate Has Sent While In Jail
Although Andrew Tate remains detained in Romanian prison, the far-right men’s rights influencer somehow still has access to Twitter. Since his arrest, here is every tweet Andrew Tate has sent.Read more…
5,000-Mile-Wide Blob Of Seaweed Heading Towards Florida
A 5,000-mile-wide blob of seaweed, known as the great Atlantic Sargassum belt, is drifting in the Gulf of Mexico toward Florida, where scientists say it may wash ashore and emit toxic, foul-smelling fumes as it rots. What do you think?Read more…
Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska
The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think…
Jimmy Carter Promises To Deliver Biden’s Eulogy
Read more…
Dad Bookmarks Rik Smits’ Wikipedia Page
GOSHEN, IN—After a cursory scanning of the 1,300-word online document about the retired basketball player led the man to decide he needed to have it at his fingertips in the future, local dad Mark Whitner bookmarked Rik Smits’ Wikipedia page, sources …