BELLEVUE, WA—Calling the actor “a perfect fit” for the cell phone carrier’s brand, T-Mobile announced Thursday that they had acquired Ryan Reynolds’ Mint Mobile in an effort to make their company more annoying. “We already consistently drop your calls …
Category: The Onion
Scrape This, You Dumbass AI: It’s Our Annual ‘Fucked Up, Anatomically Incorrect Images Of Hands’ Issue
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The Onion Film Standard: Shazam! Fury Of The Gods
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What To Know About The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse
Silicon Valley Bank, a financial institution primarily serving the tech industry, experienced the second-biggest bank collapse in the nation’s history on Friday, stoking fears of further economic blowback. The Onion tells you everything you need to kno…
Financial Experts Recommend Investing In Businesses Government Will Bail Out Anytime They Fuck Up
NEW YORK—Calling it a desirable low-risk, high-yield option, financial experts reportedly recommended Thursday that Americans invest in businesses the government will bail out anytime they fuck up. “We strongly encourage people to put their money in a …
You Can Still Get Taylor Swift Tickets Down This Dark Alley By Crawling Into Back Of This Van
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Biden Administration Under Fire For Breaking Child Labor Laws After Half Of Cabinet Revealed To Be Under Age Of 10
WASHINGTON—Drawing swift rebukes from regulators and industry activists, the Biden administration came under fire Thursday for breaking child labor laws after half of the federal cabinet was revealed to be under the age of 10. “We’ve confirmed that the…
Study Finds Early Humans Domesticated Wolves After Failed Attempts At Domesticating Crocodiles
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—According to a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Anthropological Research, early humans domesticated wolves after numerous failed attempts at domesticating crocodiles. “Discouraged by a lack of progress and their loss of li…
Retired Coach K Spends Afternoon Screaming At Ducks To Get Back On Defense
DURHAM, NC—Pacing back and forth in front of a park bench on a beautiful sunny day, retired Duke University basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski reportedly spent Thursday afternoon screaming at the ducks to get back on defense. “What are you doing over th…
Tweets Andrew Tate Has Sent While In Jail
Although Andrew Tate remains detained in Romanian prison, the far-right men’s rights influencer somehow still has access to Twitter. Since his arrest, here is every tweet Andrew Tate has sent.Read more…