NEW YORK—In a remarkable turn of events that forced them to immediately surrender their long-held position of supremacy, white people were reportedly ousted as the master race Wednesday after their racist past came to light. “Today’s revelations of bi…
Category: The Onion
Things To Never Say To Someone With An OnlyFans
OnlyFans is a popular online platform where creators can sell pornographic photos, videos, and other explicit content. If you know someone who is an OnlyFans user, here are things you should never say.Read more…
‘I Finally Made The Switch From Coffee,’ Says Man Holding Gun To His Head To Get Adrenaline Rush
BALTIMORE—Boasting that he had finally kicked caffeine and found a new way of perking up in the morning, local man Paul Randolph was overheard Wednesday saying “I finally made the switch from coffee” as he held a loaded gun to his head to get an adrena…
29-Year-Old Woman Arrested For Posing As High School Student
A 29-year-old woman has been arrested after allegedly using a forged birth certificate to enroll at a local high school, attending classes for four days before staff found out her age. What do you think?Read more…
Cop Confused After Pouring Fentanyl On Wife Doesn’t Do Anything
FISHERS, IN—With his effort failing to result in the instant death he’d expected, local cop Bryce McDermott expressed confusion Wednesday after he poured fentanyl on his wife and nothing happened. “I don’t understand—all the guys at work told me that a…
Relaxed Marie Kondo Now Says She Perfectly Happy Living In Waist-High Sewage
LOS ANGELES—Admitting that she’d made some major lifestyle changes since developing her famous KonMari method, a relaxed Marie Kondo told reporters Tuesday that she was now perfectly happy living in waist-high sewage. “The truth is, while I used to be …
U.S. Officials Call For Correct Amount Of Violence
WASHINGTON—Addressing the need for swift and moderate change, U.S. officials reportedly called Tuesday for the correct amount of violence. “Like so many of you, I am outraged by the visibility of these senseless acts of hatred and violence,” said Presi…
Pope Francis Declares Nothing Wrong With Guy Giving Buddy Tug Job After Few Drinks
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Kamala Harris Asks Communications Assistant If She Can Take Them Out For Coffee And Pick Their Brain Sometime
WASHINGTON—In an effort to expand her professional network, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly asked a White House communications assistant Tuesday if she could take them out for coffee and pick their brain sometime. “I’ve always been super intere…
What The Cluck
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