Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis has signed a bill prohibiting “picketing and protesting” outside someone’s private residence, in response to abortion rights protests recently staged in front of the homes of U.S. Supreme Court justices. What do you think?Read…
Category: The Onion
Dollar Dangling From Fishing Line Sure Does Look Enticing
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What To Know About The Infant Formula Shortage
The U.S. is in the midst of a significant shortage of infant formula, with over 40% of expected supplies currently out of stock, leading to concerns about infant health and outrage from parents. The Onion tells you what you need to know about the infan…
Enlightened Child Realizes Chasing Vendetta No Way To Spend Entire Bumper Car Ride
WAUKESHA, WI—Reminding himself that forgiveness was above all a gift to himself, enlightened 8-year-old Trevor Brandt reportedly realized Wednesday that chasing a vendetta was no way to spend his entire bumper car ride. “Sure, I could go and smash into…
People Who Haven’t Had Covid Explain How They’ve Avoided It For 2 Years
The most catastrophic pandemic in a generation, Covid-19 has left many millions dead and even more infected. Could those who have managed to avoid the virus provide us with clues to how we might contain such pathogens in the future? The Onion asked t…
Judges Rule Calling Men ‘Bald’ Constitutes Sexual Harassment
An all-male panel of judges in the U.K. has ruled that commenting on a man’s baldness is a form of sex discrimination or sexual harassment, saying that since baldness is more prevalent in men, commenting on it in the workplace is equivalent to remarkin…
Kindhearted Bouncer Lets Everyone Into Club For Being Hot In Their Own Special Way
CHICAGO—In keeping with his responsibility to ensure only the ideal clientele were permitted entry, Tempo Bar’s kindhearted bouncer Felix Maddsen reportedly let everyone into the club last night for being hot in their own special way. “You may not have…
Intrepid ‘Better Homes And Gardens’ Reporter Embeds Self Within Lawn Gnome Community
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Johnny Depp Loses All Support After Fans Realize They’ve Been Confusing Him For Orlando Bloom
FAIRFAX, VA—As his contentious defamation trial stretched into its sixth week, leading man Johnny Depp reportedly lost all support from those following the proceedings after fans realized Wednesday that they had been confusing him for actor Orlando Blo…
Febreze Introduces New Rotting Rat Carcass For Covering Up Tough Odors
CINCINNATI—Calling the air freshener their “strongest product yet,” executives at Febreze reportedly began marketing a new rotting rat carcass Wednesday for covering up tough odors. “Whether you’re dealing with an overflowing trash can or a noxious bat…