ISTANBUL—Stressing that he understood the risks involved in consuming anything offered at the latest round of peace talks, Ukrainian negotiator Mykhailo Podolyak told reporters Thursday that a freshly baked brownie was simply too tempting to pass up…
Category: The Onion
‘Elden Ring’: The Official OGN Guide (And How We Beat The Game In Under 30 Minutes)
Elden Ring has sold over 12 million copies in the month since its release, providing gamers with hours upon hours of what passes for enjoyment these days. Gameplay can be tricky, but it’s ultimately rewarding if you follow OGN’s tips and tricks.Read mo…
Report: Incredible Thrill Of Shooting White Rhino And Watching It Die In Danger Of Extinction
TUCSON, AZ—Urging immediate action to safeguard the fun of killing exotic animals, a report out Thursday from Safari Club International stated that the incredible thrill of shooting a white rhinoceros and watching it die was in danger of extinction. “I…
Kristen Bell: She’s Just Like You! She’s Going Through Your Trash! She’s Obsessed With You! She’s Going To Kill You And Replace You!
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Popular New TikTok Influencer Just Teaches Teens To Tie Nooses
LOS ANGELES—Quickly amassing young followers in the tens of millions, popular new TikTok influencer Eva Belle just posts videos teaching teens how to tie nooses, sources reported Thursday. “So, I’m using bright yellow today, but you can use whatever co…
Dad Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy
ORLANDO, FL—Stressing that the experience with the costumed mascot was a “total racket,” local dad Simon Marshall couldn’t believe this week how much Disney World was charging for sex with Goofy. “For a family of five, the amount Disney is asking to pl…
Underfunded School Forced To Use Out-Of-Date History Books As Lunches
DELHI, LA—Citing state budget cuts and rejected requests for federal aid, Delhi High School officials told reporters Wednesday that the underfunded school now had no choice but to use out-of-date history books as lunches. “Unfortunately, our students w…
U.S. Doomsday Bunker Company Sees Sales Spike 1,000%
A Texas-based company that sells “doomsday bunkers” claims that sales have spiked 1,000% for units ranging from $40,000 to a $8.5 million “aristocrat” bunker that fits up to 44 people after Russia invaded Ukraine. What do you think?Read more…
Diners Forced To Quarantine In Hotpot Restaurant
Chinese authorities forced dozens to quarantine overnight in a hotpot restaurant after a Covid-19 case was detected at the location, a measure in accordance with the country’s policy for rapid lockdowns and other restrictions whenever clusters emerge. …
Man Really Only Joined Angry Mob To Show Off Fancy New Torch
MOBILE, AL—Appearing disinterested as he marched among a horde of angry townspeople Thursday, a local man acknowledged to reporters that he had really only joined an angry mob parading through the streets so he could show off his fancy new torch. “To b…