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Category: The Onion
Fetus Steps Outside Womb For Quick Cigarette Break
KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a litt…
NYPD Arrests Colombian Turnstile Lord Behind Massive Turnstile-Jumping Ring
NEW YORK—As part of a sting aimed at dismantling a criminal enterprise said to operate in all five boroughs, the New York City Police Department arrested Friday a notorious Colombian turnstile lord alleged to be the leader of a massive international tu…
Elon Musk Accuses Own Genitals Of Being Far-Left Actor With Axe To Grind
LOS ANGELES—Claiming his penis had obviously been coerced into exposing itself to a flight attendant in 2016, Elon Musk reportedly accused his genitals Friday of being a far-left actor with an axe to grind. “For the record, these accusations against me…
Excuses Men Use To Not Get Married
The only thing men fear more than commitment is getting married specifically to you. Here are the most common excuses guys use to avoid saying “I do.”Read more…
Knife-Wielding Tesla Kills Pedestrian
BOSTON—In an incident that sent shock waves across the automotive industry, a knife-wielding Tesla Model S reportedly killed local pedestrian Lucy Friedman Friday after pursuing her down a city street. “Based on data retrieved from the vehicle, the …
Ringling Bros. Announces Comeback Tour Without Animal Acts
Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus has announced the return of its big top circus that closed five years ago, which is scheduled to debut in the fall of 2023 as a “multi-platform entertainment franchise” that focuses on human feats rather…
Embarrassed Man Frantically Clears Search History After Googling Jets’ Playoff Chances
GALLOWAY, NJ—Cursing himself and sweating as he tried to eliminate all traces of what he’d done, embarrassed local man Chris Burnley was said to be frantically clearing his internet search history Friday after googling the New York Jets’ playoff chance…
Elderly Man Spends Afternoon Feeding Self To Ducks
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Timeline Of Tucker Carlson’s Career
Fox News host Tucker Carlson, the nation’s most-watched cable pundit, has built a career as a lightning rod for controversy. The Onion looks at the key events of his life and career.Read more…