U.S. Officials have confirmed the country’s first two cases of monkeypox, a rare but potentially serious illness causing flu-like symptoms and rashes that lead to painful pustules on the body, recent outbreaks of which have already been reported in 12 …
Category: The Onion
Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation, Pt. 3
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Politician Still Gets Little Rush Every Time He Pretends To Be Like Poor Person
WASHINGTON—Quivering with excitement at the mere thought of acting as though he lived paycheck to paycheck, local politician Aaron Hastings told reporters Monday that he still got a rush every time he pretended to be like a poor person. “Even after all…
Pregnant Woman Playing Lots Of Mozart In Hope Of Making Husband Smarter
BROOMFIELD, CO—Noting it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she was playing lots of Mozart during her pregnancy in the hope of making her husband smarter. “I know the science is iffy, but I want to make…
Urban Overplanner Issues Minute-By-Minute Daily Schedule For Each Of City’s Residents
SEATTLE—Rigorously highlighting various times, locations, and transit routes on a large stack of itineraries, urban overplanner Gary Wilkins told reporters he had issued minute-by-minute daily schedules Monday for each of Seattle’s residents. “Alright …
Man Scared Of Committing To AirPods Just Because He Afraid To Someday Lose Them
CHICAGO—Reflecting on anxieties he said were rooted in attachment issues from his childhood, a local man told reporters Monday that he realized his fear of committing to AirPods stemmed from nothing more than his fear of one day losing them. “I think I…
Report: More Than 3,000 Potentially Harmful Chemicals Found In Food Packaging
Scientists have identified more than 3,000 potentially harmful chemicals that can be found in food packaging, tableware, and reusable food containers, two thirds of which were not previously known to be in contact with food. What do you think?Read more…
New Diversity Initiative Encourages Employees To Lie About Their Race
SAN FRANCISCO—Acknowledging the company’s overwhelmingly white culture presented “a continuing challenge,” cloud solutions provider Ultraa announced a new diversity initiative Monday that encouraged employees to lie about their race. “Here at Ultraa, w…
Things New Yorkers Hate Most About L.A.
Let’s face it, you’re not a real New Yorker unless you hate the following things about Los Angeles.Read more…
U.S. Soccer And Players Agree To Equal Pay In New Contracts
U.S. Soccer and the women’s and men’s national teams have announced a historic collective bargaining agreement to close the gender pay gap and assure every player, man or woman, is paid equally, a first in the soccer federation world. What do you think…