LOS ANGELES—In an incident widely criticized as racial profiling, sources reported Thursday that L.A. police officers had stopped a local Black man who they claimed fit the description of a giant, fire-breathing reptile that was currently terrorizing T…
Category: The Onion
Sponsored: 18 More Days Until You’re Struck And Killed By Kia Sorento
CHICAGO—In a hit-and-run expected to leave your loved ones devastated, a new report released this week found that there were only 18 days left until you would be struck and killed by the all-new 2023 Kia Sorento. “The countdown to oblivion has begun, s…
Lawmakers Propose Letting Prisoners Donate Organs For Reduced Sentences
Massachusetts Democrats have proposed a bill that would allow prisoners to donate their organs for reduced sentences, giving people up to a year off their prison sentence “on the condition that the incarcerated individual has donated bone marrow or org…
Harry Styles Figures He Should Listen To His Album Now That It Won Grammy
LOS ANGELES—Explaining that he was really more of a “podcast person,” pop star Harry Styles told reporters Monday that he figured he should listen to his album now that it had won a Grammy. “Well, if it’s getting a Grammy, then someone must like it,” s…
Suburban School Worker Charged With Stealing $1.5 Million Worth Of Chicken Wings
A former head of food services at a south suburban school district has been charged in a massive embezzlement scheme in which she allegedly stole more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings valued at $1.5 million over a 19-month period. What do you think?R…
Strong Jobs Report Underscores Just How Much Of A Loser Unemployed Man Is
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Books Ron DeSantis Has Banned In Florida
In response to new rules issued by the administration of Gov. Ron DeSantis, teachers are being ordered to remove all books from libraries and classrooms until they can be approved by a state-trained “certified media specialist.” The following books are…
‘Wowie Zowie, An Email From Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff!’ Cries Imaginary Person Marketed To By DNC
PORTSMOUTH, NH—Exclaiming with hypothetical delight upon receiving the correspondence from the vice president’s husband, local imaginary person Caitlin Hofstadter reportedly reacted to a Democratic National Committee fundraising message Monday by cryin…
The Super Company Announces It’s Not Renewing Sponsorship Contract With NFL Bowl Game
ATLANTA—The professional football world was reportedly rocked Monday when the Super Company issued a press release announcing that it would not renew its sponsorship contract with the NFL’s championship bowl game. “Following some underperformance in te…
Study Finds Majority Of Americans No Longer Bothering To Unwrap Hamburger
BALTIMORE—Providing further insight into modern eating habits, a study published Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that a majority of Americans no longer bother to unwrap their hamburgers before eating them. “The number of America…