DERRY, ME—Police spent the day responding to a flurry of 911 calls from parents reporting a strange white van winding through their neighborhoods and circling park playgrounds. Officers who tracked down the vehicle were surprised to discover the…
Category: The Babylon Bee
Experts Warn That If Children Between The Ages Of 5-11 Aren’t Vaccinated Then Pfizer Executives Won’t Get Their Sales Bonuses
NEW YORK, NY—Experts are encouraging everyone to get their kids vaccinated, and are predicting dire consequences if this is not done. According to several top scientists, Pfizer executives won’t meet their sales goals if you don’t vaccinate your 5 to 11-year-old.
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Liberal Parent Trying To Figure Out How To Cheer For His Son Brandon
ST. LOUIS, MO—Local liberal Joe Bailey has for years enjoyed cheering on his son Brandon at his Little League soccer games, but lately that has proven difficult, since his cheering typically involves shouting the insurrectionist chant “Let’s Go Brandon” from the stands.
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AOC’s Rant Against Capitalism Undercut By Her Having Pringles Canisters Stuck On Each Hand
NEW YORK, NY—It was a fiery speech. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the world’s smartest socialist, laid into what she perceived as the many failures of capitalism and how that economic system had brought nothing but pain and suff…
Americans Still Trapped In Afghanistan Told By Washington Post To Lower Expectations
KABUL—With an unknown score of American citizens still trapped by the Taliban, and being kind of whiny about it, the Washington Post today called on those Americans to stop being so needy.
The post Americans Still T…
Panic At White House As All The Stores Are Out Of Depends
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Anonymous sources are reporting heightened stress in the hallways of the White House. One source close to the Biden family revealed that the supply chain crisis currently gripping our nation has now reached the home of the …
Kamala Video Message To Churches Interrupted By Fire, Brimstone
ARLINGTON, VA—Members of 18th Baptist Church in Arlington were treated to a very special message from Vice President Kamala Harris this past Sunday, reminding them to exercise their faith in an almighty, holy God by voting for Democrat…
Making It Worse: Buttigieg Just Crashed A Train Into A Cargo Ship
LOS ANGELES, CA—America is facing numerous supply chain problems, and they’re only getting worse. Throughout this crisis, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg has been on vacation, making up some story about having a baby while he&rs…
Arms Race Heats Up: Just As China Reveals Space Nukes, America Responds With Trans Admiral
WORLD—The arms race is heating up between the U.S. and China. Just last week, China revealed its brand new “space nukes”, which are capable of easily nuking any country on the planet. The United States responded swiftly to the provocation by unveiling the world’s first trans admiral.
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Child’s Simple Question Results In Lively 4-Hour-Long Explanation From Dad
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—"Dad, how does a car go?" asked 6-year-old Olivia Parton as the family sat down at the dinner table Monday evening.
The post Child’s Simple Question Results In Lively 4-Hour-Long Explanation From Dad …