TALLAHASSEE, FL—Governor Ron DeSantis has signed into law a new bill called the "Only Say Gay If You Mean Lame" bill, which does just what it says: in Florida schools, you can now only say "gay" if you are calling somebody un…
Category: The Babylon Bee
Russia Withdraws From Ukraine’s Border But Leaves Behind A Beautiful Wooden Horse As A Gift
KHARKIV, UKRAINE—Ukrainian troops woke up this morning to find the entire Russian military had abandoned their positions and retreated back home. However, it appears the Russians have left behind a beautiful wooden horse as a…
10 Great Alternatives To Supporting Woke Companies
Watch out! Every company you love has become WOKE! If you want to avoid supporting progressive businesses then you’ll need to be prepared. Consider these fantastic alternatives to some of the more notable liberal corporations.
The post 10 Great Alternatives To Supporting Woke Companies appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
Supreme Court Approves Death Penalty For People Who Use Leaf Blowers Before 8 A.M.
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a huge win for the Rule of Law, The U.S. Supreme Court has approved the death penalty for anyone who uses a leaf blower before 8 A.M.
The post Supreme Court Approves Death Penalty For People Who…
Biden Admin Sends Horseback Border Patrol With Whips To Support Canadian Police
OTTAWA, CANADA—The Biden administration has relocated all U.S. horseback border patrols from Del Rio to help the Canadian mounties beat up Freedom Convoy protestors. They hope that the strong show of force by whipping and lashing civilians …
Putin Delays Invasion Again As He Has A Dentist Appointment Today And He’s Already Rescheduled Twice
MOSCOW—President Vladimir Putin has once again postponed his army’s land invasion of Ukraine because he has a dentist appointment today and he’s already rescheduled twice. Though the appointment is for a routine cleaning, the Russian president feels it would be rude to reschedule yet again.
The post Putin Delays Invasion Again As He Has A Dentist Appointment Today And He’s Already Rescheduled Twice appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
After Legitimizing China, International Olympic Committee Narrows Down Choice For Next Olympics To Iran, North Korea, Or Canada
LAUSANNE—Following the conclusion of the Beijing Winter Olympics, The International Olympic Committee based in Switzerland has been hard at work deliberating potential hosts cities for future Olympic Games. To keep the trend of choosing evi…
U.S. To Invade Canada To Establish A Democracy
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Meeting in a top-secret, smoke-filled war room, U.S. generals agreed on a plan earlier this week to invade the foreign dictatorship known as "Canada" and establish a democracy there.
The post U.S. T…
Deranged Sociopaths Show Up On Time Instead Of 10 Minutes Late Like Normal Human Beings
COLUMBUS, IN—According to sources close to the Maclean family, the couple showed up to a hang-out/dinner/maybe-board-games-if-things-get-wild event right on time, instead of ten minutes late like normal human beings.
The…
Christian Sad He Has Nothing To Look Forward To On Sundays Now That Football Season Is Over
ORLAND PARK, IL—Sources have confirmed local Christian John Madinsky is severely disappointed he has nothing to look forward to on Sundays, now that the NFL football season is over.
The post Christian Sad He Has Nothing …