ATLANTA, GA—Desperate to recoup their viewers lost since the end of the 2020 election, CNN has hired news anchor Chris Wallace from Fox News. Experts have estimated that a move this big could actually double their audience to a grand total of 4 …
Category: The Babylon Bee
California Imposes Statewide Mask Mandate On Your Mom Because She Ugly
SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom has announced that in response to the Omicron variant there will be a statewide mask mandate on your mom, because she is so ugly and no one wants to deal with looking at her while we have COVID to …
Psaki Vows To Find, Destroy Underground Lair Where All Corporate Executives Meet To Decide To Raise Prices Simultaneously For No Reason
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference today, Press Secretary Jen Psaki vowed to track down and destroy the secret underground lair where all corporate executives meet to decide to raise prices simultaneously, for no reason.
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10 Undeniable Proofs That Mask Mandates Work
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Bezos Orders Workers To Dig Through Tornado Rubble To Keep Filling Orders
EDWARDSVILLE, IL—After a devastating tornado ripped through an Amazon warehouse, tragically killing several workers, Bezos ordered the workers to get back to work and dig through all the rubble until every order has been filled.
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‘Men Aren’t Women,’ Says Dangerous Far-Right Extremist
EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—According to sources, a dangerous right-wing extremist named J.K. Rowling has taken to the internet to spread hateful rhetoric. Authorities have called for decisive action to silence the bigoted fascist before she f…
Government To Replace Tornado Sirens With Climate Change Alarms
U.S.—In the wake of destruction left by a vicious tornado, the Biden administration is taking steps to protect residents from the real threat, replacing all tornado sirens with climate change alarms.
The post Government …
Meet Steve, The Last Remaining American Who Doesn’t Have A Podcast
We recent caught up with Steve in Eastern Texas. Steve is unassuming, an ordinary guy on the surface, but underneath he harbors a dark secret: he’s the last remaining holdout who hasn’t yet started his own podcast.
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Baptist Kid Singing ‘What Child Is This?’ Mentally Prepares For Part Where He Has To Say The Word ‘Ass’
FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Local Baptist child Paul Libbons was drafted into the Christmas choir this year and was given the lead on “What Child Is This?” according to sources. Libbons was seen onstage at the church’s Christmas choir this past Sunday bracing himself for the part where he has to sing the word “ass”.
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California Institutes Mask Mandate To Flatten The Horizontal Line
SACRAMENTO, CA—Amid surging cases of a mild cold called Omicron, California is acting decisively to reinstitute the popular mask mandate. Experts say this should effectively flatten the already completely flat, horizontal line of almost zero Omi…