HENDERSON, NV — Tough, independent woman Maggie Stallings once again told her husband today that he absolutely must leave the toilet seat down or she will actually fall into the commode.
Category: The Babylon Bee
Joel Osteen Berates Apostle Paul For Negative Self-Talk About Being ‘Chief Of Sinners’
HOUSTON, TX — Joel Osteen took the Apostle Paul to task on Sunday, calling out his awful habit of negative self-talk and overly mournful diatribes.
Pileup At All-Female Tour De France After Woman In Front Stops To Ask For Directions
FRANCE — A spectacular crash at the Tour de France Femmes, the first-ever all-female Tour de France event following the main race, was reportedly caused by the woman in front stopping to ask for directions.
11 Woke Changes Coming to Grand Theft Auto
Just when you thought the woke monster couldn’t add another victim, it took down one of its most surprising targets yet: the Grand Theft Auto franchise. How, exactly, does a game that already mines the depths of human depravity turn itself woke? Here a…
Boomer Begins Voicemail By Listing Off All The Information Your Phone Already Provided
HUNTINGTON, NY — Local woman Christine Upton listened patiently this morning to a voicemail from her boomer father, who spent the first thirty seconds carefully listing information her phone had already provided.
Democrats To Try Bold Strategy Of Doing Exactly What Got Us Into This Mess In The First Place
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a year of deliberation on how to address rapid inflation and a shrinking economy, Democrats have at last landed on the bold strategy of doing the same exact things that helped land us in this mess to begin with.
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Persecution Report: This Woman Put Her Bible Verse-A-Day Calendar On Her Desk At Work And No One Has Asked Her About It
KNOXVILLE, TN — Local woman Carol Hughes is being blatantly persecuted for her faith while at work. After she placed a flowery, verse-a-day calendar on her office desk earlier today, not a single person has commented on it in any way, shape, or form.
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White House Hires ‘This Is Fine’ Dog As New Press Secretary
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing the candidate’s qualifications at assuring everyone that everything is fine even when entire rooms are burning down around him, the White House has hired the This Is Fine Dog as its new press secretary.
CDC Declares Gay Orgies An ‘Essential Activity’
ATLANTA, GA — The CDC has updated its list of essential and non-essential activities during a pandemic or outbreak, adding “gay orgies” to the “essential” category.
Tragic Report Finds Billions Of People Around The World Are Not Currently Playing ‘Chrono Trigger’
WORLD — A tragic new study has found that the vast majority of humanity – nearly 8 billion people – are not currently playing Square Enix’s classic JRPG Chrono Trigger.