LEXINGTON, VA — Local man Jonathan Barnes, unsure of the efficacy of a single button push, mashed the crosswalk button seventeen times to be certain the message got through.
Category: The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee Writers Are Going On Strike – Here Are Our Demands
After years of suffering under unfair labor practices, the Bee writers are going on strike. Support us by reading this article and then by joining us on the picket line. We will not get back to work until every single one of these demands is met. They …
Biden Deploys Troops To Border To Stop Texas From Securing Border
EL PASO, TX — With the ongoing migrant crisis along the southern border of the United States, President Joe Biden has taken decisive action and announced he is deploying U.S. military personnel to the border to stop the state of Texas from securing the…
Mike Pence Says He Refuses To Think About Ancient Rome Unless His Wife Is Present
CARMEL, IN — When asked about the viral social media topic, former Vice President Mike Pence told reporters that he refuses to think about the Roman Empire unless his wife is present.
Wife Frustrated That Husband Doesn’t Realize She Wants Him To Be Quiet And Also Talk To Her And Also Leave Her Alone And Also Come Talk To Her
BEND, OR — What began as a pleasant weekend evening in the Belnap household quickly soured due to husband Lance’s relational ineptitude. Trisha had grown frustrated that he did not realize she wanted him to be quiet and also talk to her and also leave …
Gríma Wormtongue Says King Théoden Is Doing More Than Any Other King To Stop Orc Border Crossings
EDORAS — According to Chief Counselor Gríma Wormtongue, King Théoden is doing more than any other king to stop orc invasions and everyone really needs to stop bothering him about it.
Biden Administration Reports Dangerous African Immigrant At Border
EAGLE PASS, TX — As the migrant crisis along the southern U.S. border continued to intensify, a new threat emerged, leading the Biden administration to warn the populace of the presence of a dangerous African immigrant sighted at the border.
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Senator Feinstein Death Not Expected To Affect Re-election Campaign
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Dianne Feinstein has passed away at 90 years old. In the wake of the tragic news, her estate confirmed to reporters that her death will in no way affect her re-election campaign.
Britney Spears Scores Lucrative New Gig At Benihana
LOS ANGELES, CA — Sushi and Japanese steakhouse Benihana offered pop superstar Britney Spears an attractive offer to come work as one of their famed Hibachi chefs after the singer posted a video online this week of her dancing and gyrating with two lar…
Democrats Criticize Republicans For Wasting Time Impeaching Biden When He’s Probably Just Going To Be Dead In A Few Weeks Anyway
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the first Biden impeachment inquiry underway, Democrats reprimanded Republicans for pouncing on a decent old man, insisting the impeachment was just a waste of time because Biden would probably be dead in a few weeks anyway.
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