BOCA RATON, FL—Conservative commentator Ben Shapiro, known for incessantly mocking Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and inviting her to debate him, has admitted to reporters that he now feels lost and aimless following the announcement that AOC…
Category: The Babylon Bee
Experts Confirm Likelihood Of Surviving Apocalypse Directly Proportional To How Many Items You’ve Purchased From Conservative Podcasts
FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Researchers at the University of Arkansas have confirmed that the more products people order from conservative podcasts, the more likely they are to make it through the apocalypse.
The post Experts Confirm Li…
Elon Musk Replaces Horn Sound On All Teslas With ‘Let’s Go Brandon’
STARBASE, TX—After Tweeting today that he is leaving the Democrat Party and will be voting Republican in coming elections, many had questions regarding whether or not the Tesla line would be affected. His follow-up Tweet announced a mandato…
Oh No! Congress Approves $40 Billion To Ukraine But Due To Inflation It’s Already Worth Only $30 Billion
WASHINGTON—This afternoon, Ukrainian President Zelenskyy called President Biden to ask what happened with the aid package he received. Zelenskyy explained that the purchasing power of the $40 Billion in aid that Congress sent a few hours ago had…
Pride Flag Adds Big ‘G’ For Groomers
WORLD—Notable LGBTQ+ organization G.O.L.D. unveiled an updated Pride Flag just in time for Pride Month in June. The new flag features a capitalized letter "G" to represent the oppressed minority known as "Groomers." This…
Thrift Shop Rebrands As Vintage To Increase Prices 800%
CLAREMONT, CA—A small thrift shop in downtown Claremont has rebranded itself as "vintage" to increase prices by up to 800%. Business experts are calling the rebrand a genius marketing move that will drive sales.
The…
Fauci Recommends Stopping Spread Of Monkeypox By Covering Eyes, Ears, Mouth
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Monkeypox pandemic has finally breached the shores of the United States, with the CDC confirming a staggering 1 infections so far. In response, America’s favorite, most trusted doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, issued a statement recommending people stop the spread of Monkeypox by covering their eyes, ears, and mouth.
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POLL: 52% Of Nation Now Desire To Ditch Republic, Establish Monarchy With Ultra MAGA King
U.S.—The results of a CNN poll revealed that 52% of Americans are in favor of abolishing the nation’s Democratic Republic in favor of a monarchy ruled by an Ultra MAGA King. Another 39%—mostly bureaucrats—are reportedly satisfied with the current system of government.
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Here Are Some Fascinating Stories That Were Left Out Of The Bible
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Surprising Study Reveals Half Of Joe Biden’s Twitter Followers Are Real
U.S.—A recent study has audited Joe Biden’s Twitter followers to determine whether or not they are in fact real followers. The results have left the world stunned as everyone discovered half of his followers are somehow real people.
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