CINCINNATI—Calling the air freshener their “strongest product yet,” executives at Febreze reportedly began marketing a new rotting rat carcass Wednesday for covering up tough odors. “Whether you’re dealing with an overflowing trash can or a noxious bat…
Author: The Onion
Annoying Co-Worker Types So Loud
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Earth Given 50-50 Chance Of Hitting Key Warming Threshold By 2026
A new report claims the Earth has a 50-50 chance of temporarily reaching a global warming threshold by 2026, with temperatures rising more than 1.5 degrees celsius, an indicator of the point at which climate impacts will become increasingly harmful for…
Biden Touts Resiliency Of American Decline While Touring Factory That’s Been Closed For Decades
SAGINAW, MI—Gesturing grandly toward the dust-covered assembly line as he declared that nothing, absolutely nothing, could stop the nation from crumbling, President Joe Biden touted the resiliency of American decline Tuesday while touring a factory tha…
Congress Placed On Lockdown After Deranged Man Enters Senate With Gun Control Measures
WASHINGTON—Sending members of Congress ducking under their seats and covering their ears, the U.S. Capitol building was reportedly placed on lockdown Tuesday after a deranged man entered the Senate chamber with gun control measures. “It was terrifying—…
Dad Reads Menu With Restaurant Candle Like Archaeologist Deciphering Ancient Runes
KANSAS CITY, MO—Bringing the flame closer to the strange markings scrawled on the sheet before him, local dad Joe Kurinsky reportedly read a restaurant menu with a candle Friday like an archaeologist deciphering the runes of an ancient, forgotten langu…
Astronaut Lifts Helmet To Sneak Quick Forbidden Gulp Of Space Air
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Admitting he knew it wasn’t strictly allowed by his mission commanders, astronaut Lance Mann reportedly lifted his helmet Tuesday to sneak a quick forbidden gulp of space air. “I know I’m not supposed to, but I just can’t resist,” the N…
L.A. Mayor To Provide Emergency Housing For Residents Who Spotted Homeless Guy In Neighborhood
LOS ANGELES—Calling the situation within the city a “humanitarian disaster,” Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti pledged Tuesday to provide emergency housing for residents who had spotted a homeless guy in their neighborhood. “Starting today, the City of L…
Jeer Leader
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D.C. Street Sweeper Lays On Horn At Saluting Pete Buttigieg Standing In Path
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