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Author: The Onion
Report: Uvalde Gunman Had Accomplices As Far As Washington, D.C
UVALDE, TX—Uncovering shocking new details about the Robb Elementary School shooting, FBI agents told reporters Wednesday that alleged gunman Salvador Ramos had accomplices as far away as Washington, D.C. “We have reason to believe this wasn’t a ‘lone …
IRS Splinter Group Demands Taxpayers Recognize August 15 As The True Tax Day
WASHINGTON—Decrying the traditional filing season as “an irredeemable heresy,” an Internal Revenue Service splinter group demanded Wednesday that taxpayers recognize Aug. 15 as the one true tax day. “Any righteous interpretation of the 16th Amendment a…
HR Department Rings Gong Every Time They Successfully Cover Up Sexual Harassment
SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to boost morale by celebrating their accomplishments, the human resources department at a local tech start-up reportedly decided Wednesday to ring a gong every time they successfully covered up sexual harassment. “It’s just a…
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
UVALDE, TX—In the hours following a violent rampage in Texas in which a lone attacker killed at least 21 individuals and injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded T…
Biggest Misconceptions Men Have About Sexual Reproduction
As the abortion debate intensifies, it’s become abundantly clear that most men don’t know the first thing about sexual reproduction. Here are the biggest misconceptions guys need to correct ASAP.Read more…
Tips For Officiating A Wedding
More couples are opting to have a friend or family member officiate a wedding rather than a member of the clergy, but that can put pressure on the officiant to make sure the ceremony goes smoothly. The Onion offers helpful tips for officiating a weddin…
Retired Couple To Live Permanently On Cruise Ships, Saying It’s Cheaper Than Mortgage
A retired Seattle couple sold their home to live permanently on cruise ships, saying that the $89 per day they spend on room, food, and entertainment works out to be much cheaper than paying off a mortgage in Seattle. What do you think?Read more…
‘Bon Appétit’ Test Kitchen Apologizes For Gruesome Experiments On Beans
NEW YORK—In response to widespread condemnation over several recent leaks, the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen reportedly issued an apology Tuesday for the organization’s gruesome experiments on beans. “We make no excuses for the horrific treatment our chefs …
New York Mobbed By Thousands Of Drunken Characters During Disney Cruise Line’s Fleet Week
NEW YORK—In an annual event that many New Yorkers look to with dread and annoyance, the city’s most popular tourist areas were reportedly mobbed this week by thousands of extremely drunken characters who were celebrating Disney Cruise Line’s Fleet Week…