A new report found that nearly 2,000 children were abused by more than 450 Catholic priests in Illinois. A number of priests were willing to defend the Catholic Church amid the sex abuse scandal, and this is what they said.Read more…
Author: The Onion
Well, The Big Takeaways From Our Annual Seals Issue Are 1) Those Fuckers Bite, And 2) Your Other Fingers Are Worth Jack Shit Without A Thumb
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Area Man Always Ready To Comment On Song’s Bridge
AKRON, OH—Shushing everyone as a passage linking two sections of the song began, area man Brandon Debner reportedly revealed Wednesday that he was always ready to comment on a song’s bridge. “Oh man, you’re gonna lose your mind when this bridge hits,” …
Grandma Asks For Help Looking Up Rule 34 Images
WAUKEGAN, IL—Explaining that she wasn’t so good with all the technology that was out there these days, local grandmother Beatrice Rowland asked her grandson Dan Larkin for help looking up Rule 34 images, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honey, could you he…
Jared Leto Announces New Skincare Line For Him To Rub On Everyone Himself
LOS ANGELES—Expanding the products offered by his lifestyle brand Twentynine Palms, actor Jared Leto announced Thursday the release of a new skincare line for him to rub on all over everyone himself. “Our latest line of skincare features all-natural, b…
Childless Couple Watches Empty Crib From Doorway
BILLINGS, MT—With tears in their eyes as they gazed at the room, local childless couple Harrison and Kylie Neubauer reportedly watched an empty crib Wednesday from the doorway. “Look at it. It’s so peaceful,” said Kylie Neubauer, who came rushing to th…
U-Haul Truck Carrying Nazi Flag ‘Intentionally’ Crashes Near White House
A driver has been arrested on charges of threatening to kill or harm the president, vice president, or their family members after he allegedly plowed a U-Haul truck into security barriers near the White House while carrying a Nazi flag. What do you thi…
Quiz: Could You Pass A Police Officer Entrance Exam?
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Man Embarrassed After Taking Bullet Intended For Person Behind Him
LUBBOCK, TX—Admitting that he assumed the guy was waving his gun at him, local man Jeffrey Regis confirmed Wednesday that he was embarrassed after taking a bullet intended for the person behind him. “Oh my god, I’m such an idiot—I totally thought those…
NAACP Travel Advisory Warns Florida ‘Openly Hostile’ Toward African Americans
The NAACP issued a travel advisory for Florida, urging people to avoid the state due to Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis’ “aggressive attempts to erase Black history and to restrict diversity, equity and inclusion programs” in the state’s schools. What do …