HOUSTON—Addressing the massacre that occurred at an elementary school in the state only three days earlier, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre told attendees at the organization’s annual meeting Friday that mass shootings could be perfectly …
Author: The Onion
Report: Your Child Currently Sitting In A School Right Now
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Just For Men Introduces New Touch Of Gravy Beard Dye
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The Pros And Cons Of Letting Children Die
America is currently wrestling with the difficult and controversial question of whether it’s worth it to make an effort to keep children alive, not to mention safe, educated, or healthy. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of just letting children die…
‘Easy, Good Boy,’ Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bit
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Entire U.S. Police Force Flees Country After Hearing Gunman Inside Nation
UNITED STATES—Throwing their arms up into the air and screaming while frantically sprinting toward every single American border, the entire U.S. police force reportedly fled the country Thursday after hearing that there was a gunman somewhere inside th…
Tearful Uvalde Residents Thank Police For Protecting Parking Lot From Gunman
UVALDE, TX—In an expression of gratitude for keeping the community’s beloved stretch of asphalt safe, tearful Uvalde residents thanked law enforcement Thursday for protecting Robb Elementary School’s parking lot from a gunman. “To the brave officers wh…
Hyundai Recalls 239,000 Cars For Exploding Seat Belt Parts
Hyundai is recalling 239,000 cars in the U.S., saying the seat belt pretensioners can explode upon deployment and send shrapnel throughout the vehicle, injuring vehicle occupants. What do you think?Read more…
Scientists Discover 90% Of Earth’s Atmosphere Made From Thoughts, Prayers
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Things People Hate The Most About Public Transportation
It’s disgusting to imagine, but Americans take around 10 billion trips on public transit each year. Here are the things that people hate most about public transportation.Read more…