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Author: The Onion
Dad Asks If They Still Make Cocaine
CINCINNATI—Suddenly expressing a curiosity about the recreational stimulant he had enjoyed as a young adult, local man Terry Coburn, 58, reportedly asked his daughter this week if they still made cocaine. “Oh man, there used to be this stuff that was a…
Kotex Introduces New Expedition Tampons With Very Long String For Easily Tracing Way Back Home
IRVING, TX—Calling the product a “game changer” for menstruators with active lifestyles, feminine hygiene brand Kotex announced Friday the release of Expedition, a new line of tampons that includes a very long string so wearers can easily trace their w…
Dogs Able To Detect Covid With High Accuracy
A study has found that trained dogs are better at detecting positive Covid cases than a rapid antigen test, with the dogs in the research study accurately identifying 97% of positive cases and taking an estimated 15 seconds to analyze each possible Cov…
Economists Recommend Striking Oil
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Queen Elizabeth Gets Horse As Jubilee Gift From France’s Macron
French President Emmanuel Macron gave Queen Elizabeth a horse belonging to the French Republican Guard to mark her jubilee, describing the monarch as the “golden thread” that bound France and Britain during her 70-year reign. What do you think?Read mor…
Biden Now Just Delivering Continuous, Up-To-The-Minute Speech Mourning Shooting Victims
WASHINGTON—With eyes bloodshot and suit disheveled as he entered his 16th hour at the podium, President Joe Biden is now just delivering a continuous, up-to-the-minute speech mourning victims of mass shootings across the United States, sources reported…
Scientists Discover Humans, Chimps Shared Common Friend
COLLEGE STATION, TX—In a new discovery that could have stunning implications for the field of primatology, scientists from Texas A&M University published a study Friday identifying the common friend once shared by humans and chimps. “Approximately …
School Practices Drill For When There’s Not An Active Shooter
LARGO, OH—In an effort to keep students and faculty ready should the situation ever arise, a local middle school was reportedly practicing the drill Thursday for what to do when there’s not an active shooter. “Attention teachers and students: For the …
Texas Passes Mandatory 24-Hour Waiting Period Before Police Can Engage Active Shooters
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to address rising gun violence in the state, Texas legislators passed a new law Friday mandating that police wait 24 hours before engaging with active shooters. “Deciding whether or not to respond to an active shooting is an ext…