SANTA FE, NM—Insisting that he simply wanted a clear timeline for when the freelancer might finish work on the next installment in A Song Of Ice And Fire, George R.R. Martin reportedly sent an email to his ghostwriter Jeffrey Goldman Thursday to press …
Author: The Onion
‘Easy, Good Boy,’ Says UberEats Driver Trying To Hand Delivery To Man Without Getting Bitten
CHICAGO—Rolling his window down cautiously for the curbside delivery, local UberEats driver Varban Jindrak was overheard Wednesday telling a customer, “Easy, good boy,” as he attempted to hand the man his food without getting bitten. “You’re a hungry f…
National Air And Space Museum Acquires Rock Local Teen Threw Really, Really High One Time
WASHINGTON—Promoting the object as an iconic piece of aeronautics history, the Smithsonian’s National Air and Space Museum announced Thursday it had acquired a rock that local teenager Tyler Trenary threw really, really high one time. “The rock that Ty…
Watchdog Warns Nearly Every Food Brand In U.S. Owned By Handful Of Companies, Which In Turn Are Controlled By Newman’s Own
WASHINGTON—Calling for a full-scale Federal Trade Commission investigation into the sauce and salad dressing brand, the American Antitrust Institute issued a report Thursday warning that nearly every food brand in the United States was owned by a handf…
Dangerous Conspiracy Theories On The Rise: Is This Shadowy Cabal Of Child-Eating Satanists To Blame?
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Asteroid Impacts Earth 2 Hours After Being Discovered
A 10-foot-wide asteroid recently struck the Earth north of Iceland within hours of its discovery by astronomers, generating a blast equal to3,000 tons of exploding TNT and making it only the fifth asteroid ever observed in space before striking the Ear…
Elon Musk Challenges Vladimir Putin To ‘Single Combat’ For Ukraine
SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk has challenged Russian president Vladimir Putin to a “single combat” fight for the fate of Ukraine in a tweet directed at the Kremlin’s official account. What do you think?Read more…
Taxidermist Returns Finished Bob Dole To Display In Capitol Rotunda
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Potential Outcomes For Russia’s Invasion Of Ukraine
Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in late February began a series of brutal hostilities that have left hundreds of civilians dead and led to increased tensions, sanctions, and weapons deployments from allies on both sides. The Onion looks at potential outco…
Airbnb Tests New Feature That Allows Black Guests
SAN FRANCISCO—In a move hailed as a bold and innovative step for the company, officials at Airbnb told reporters Wednesday they had begun testing a new feature that would permit Black guests to find lodging through the platform. “Since we started back …