OSLO, NORWAY—In a dramatic escalation of a story that has gripped the chess world for weeks, the Hans Niemann cheating scandal reportedly spiraled out of control Friday as one of Magnus Carlsen’s longtime rooks was found shot dead in an Oslo alleyw…
Author: The Onion
Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion
CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-…
Experts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around Them
WASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an ex…
Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson
This November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.Read more…
48 Charged For Stealing $250 Million In Pandemic Funds Meant To Feed Needy Children
United States authorities charged 48 people in Minnesota with conspiracy and other counts in what they said Tuesday was the largest pandemic-related fraud scheme yet, stealing $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income childr…
Man At Strip Club Buffet Pays Extra To Get Private Time In Backroom With Buffalo Wing
PEABODY, MA—Saying he was looking forward to a more up-close-and-personal experience, local man Todd Hampton reportedly paid extra at the Déjà Vu strip club buffet Friday to get some private time in the backroom with a buffalo wing. “Oh yeah, ever sinc…
Flamethrower Set To Mist
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New York Attorney General Sues Trump Family For Business Fraud
New York’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit accusing former President Donald Trump and three of his grown children of flagrantly manipulating property valuations to deceive lenders and to reduce their tax liability. What do you think?Read more…
‘I’m Mr. Q The Pedophile Or Whatever,’ Trump Says In Half-Assed Attempt To Pander To QAnon
YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Addressing a rally this week with a lazy attempt to appeal to his supporters, former President Donald Trump said, ‘I’m Mr. Q the pedophile or whatever,” in a half-assed attempt to pander to QAnon. “Yeah, that’s right, it’s me, Mr. Q, the…
This Southwestern Casserole Is So Good It Will Be The Only Thing Your Child Remembers About You After You Die
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