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Author: The Onion
Secret Service Finds Biden Attempting To Dig Own Grave On White House Lawn
WASHINGTON—Shining their flashlights to reveal the pajama-clad president with a wild look in his eye, the Secret Service reportedly found Joe Biden on the White House lawn Thursday attempting to dig his own grave. “It’s nearly four o’clock in the morni…
Man Wires Baby $10,000 For Killing Wife In Childbirth
SAN LEANDRO, CA—Deciding the infant was the last person anyone would ever suspect of carrying out a hit, local man Dennis Jeffries wired his baby $10,000 for killing his wife in childbirth. “Well, it was great working with you, kid—that’s $5,000 up fro…
Leading Indicator Of Financial Stability Walking Around Back Of Restaurant Kitchen In Suit
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what experts are calling the clearest marker yet of fiscal well-being, the National Bureau of Economic Research released a new report Thursday that confirmed the top indicator of an individual’s financial stability was walking around i…
George Santos Turns To Cameo After Expulsion From Congress
George Santos, who was expelled from Congress last week for misuse of campaign funds, is now available on Cameo, where the self-described “former congressional ‘icon’” can be hired for $350 to send a quippy greeting to anyone interested in helping offs…
The Onion Looks Back On Kevin McCarthy And His Hot Streak Of Utterly Embarrassing Low Points
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Man Peeing With Light Off Concerned By Lack Of Urine-Hitting-Toilet-Water Sound
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Ex-FDA Official Confirms Existence Of Vegetables
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The Onion’s 2023 Holiday Gift Guide
Treat the meat lover in your life to a herd of 41 Aberdeen Angus cattle, new this season from Omaha Steaks.Read more…
Mother Treats Herself To Throwing Away Few Pieces Of Kids’ Art
MINNETONKA, MN—Telling herself she deserved this and letting out a long sigh of relief, local mother Theresa Franklin reported Wednesday that she would treat herself to throwing away a few pieces of her kids’ art. “When the stress gets to be a bit too …