LOS ANGELES—Stating that his latest hire was sure to take the storyline in fascinating new directions, Donald Glover confirmed Friday that Barron Trump would be a writer on the second season of Swarm. “Barron brings a lot to the table, and we’re sure h…
Author: The Onion
Subway CEO Just Assumed Cold Cut Combo Started Covid
MILFORD, CT—With new genetic evidence tying Covid-19 to animals sold at a wet market in Wuhan, China, Subway CEO John Chidsey confirmed Friday that he had just assumed this whole time that the virus originated with the restaurant chain’s Cold Cut Combo…
Obama Reveals His NCAA Tournament Bracket Winner Is ‘Song Of Solomon’ By Toni Morrison
WASHINGTON—In a social media post sharing his predictions, former President Barack Obama revealed Friday that the winner he had picked for his NCAA basketball tournament bracket was Song Of Solomon by Toni Morrison. “March Madness is here, and this sea…
Americans Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day
Today, millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, a Christian feast day that has evolved into a secular celebration of Irish culture with parades, festivals, drinking, and wearing the color green. How are you celebrating?Read more…
Federal Reserve Assures Venture Capitalists That They’re Very Smart And Important
WASHINGTON—In the wake of the collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and subsequent government bailout of its depositors, the Federal Reserve took steps Friday to assure venture capitalists that they’re very smart and important. “You are just the absolute mo…
‘Shazam!’ Sequel Occurs
HOLLYWOOD—Confirming that it was here now, sources reported Friday that the Shazam! sequel has occurred. “The second Shazam! movie has happened,” said sources, adding that the film has come out, it will be out for a little while, and then it will go aw…
Nauseous St. Patrick’s Day Reveler Unsure Whether He’s Going To Vomit Or Punch
BOSTON—As he switched between dry-heaving one minute and flailing his arms around the next, nauseous St. Patrick’s Day reveler Randy Adler, 28, announced Friday he was unsure whether he was going to vomit or punch. “Ugh, I don’t feel right—maybe I’m go…
EPA Announces They Found A Cool Bug And Want To Keep It
WASHINGTON—Declaring that it was really super important for a big project they were working on, the Environmental Protection Agency reportedly announced Friday that they found a cool bug and want to keep it. “Look how cool and colorful it is! Please ca…
3 A.M. SXSW Set At Some Place Named Ploppy’s Beef Chunk Referred To As Big Break
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Locksmith Called After Man Loses Incantation Used To Open Ancient Stone Chamber
MESA, AZ—Arriving as quickly as possible to assist a desperate customer, a locksmith was reportedly called Friday after a local man lost the incantation needed to open an ancient enchanted stone chamber. “It took him 45 minutes to get here, which is fi…