LOS ANGELES—Confirming that the agency wanted to set realistic expectations for what it could accomplish, Donda Sports officials told reporters Thursday that they had set a modest goal of only ruining a few athletes’ careers in their first year. “The …
Author: The Onion
Bored Defense Department Bombing Empty Cans Off Fence Out Back Behind Pentagon
ARLINGTON, VA—Killing time between major combat operations, bored staff at the Defense Department spent an afternoon bombing empty cans off the fence out back behind the Pentagon, U.S. military sources reported Thursday. “Things have been a bit slow si…
FEMA Director Claims Spending Life Preparing For Natural Disasters No Way To Live
WASHINGTON—In an impassioned defense against a slew of criticism, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Deanne Criswell stated Thursday that spending life preparing for natural disasters was no way to live. “It’s a beautiful day—do you rea…
Robot Orders Increase 40% Amid Labor Shortage
According to a new report, orders for workplace robots have increased by 40% in the first three months of 2022 amid a labor shortage in the U.S. What do you think?Read more…
35-Year-Old Unsure Why He Underwhelmed By First-Place Win In Magic: The Gathering Tournament
SEATTLE—Saying he lacked any sense of personal fulfillment following the victory, local 35-year-old Jason Prasker reported Thursday that he was unsure why he felt so underwhelmed by his first-place win in a regional Magic: The Gathering tournament. “Ye…
Man Disguised As Old Woman Throws Cake At Mona Lisa In Climate Protest
A man seemingly disguised as an old woman in a wheelchair threw a piece of cake at the glass protecting the Mona Lisa at the Louvre Museum in Paris, in an apparent climate-related protest. What do you think?Read more…
Shifting Police Timeline Now States Uvalde, TX Never Existed
UVALDE, TX—Once again shifting the official timeline of how authorities reacted to a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School, Uvalde school police chief Pedro Arredondo released new details during a press conference Wednesday, stating that Uvalde, TX h…
President Biden Visits School Ahead Of Its Deadly Mass Shooting
ALMEDA, PA—Taking a moment of silence to honor the teachers and students who will soon lose their lives, President Joe Biden reportedly visited the Almeda Middle School Wednesday ahead of its deadly mass shooting. “Two weeks from today is going to be a…
CEOs Discuss How Unions Have Affected Their Companies
With the recent push for unionization within both Amazon and Starbucks, more and more employees have become inspired to organize. The Onion asked several CEOs how they felt about that, and this is what they said.Read more…
Researchers Confirm Determined Seagull Finally Made It Into Outer Space
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—In a press conference commending the bird’s tenacity in the face of serious obstacles, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration officials confirmed Wednesday that a determined seagull had finally made it into outer space. …