SANAA, YEMEN—Praising international news organizations for their discretion, starving Yemeni civilians reportedly thanked the media Tuesday for giving them privacy during a difficult time. “When your community is in crisis, the last thing you want is …
Author: The Onion
Restaurant Workers Explain Why They Quit During The Pandemic
The hospitality industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid-19, leaving restaurants unable to hire waiters, chefs, and other support staff. The Onion interviewed several restaurant workers to ask why they quit during the pandemic, and this is what…
Sobriety Completely Changes Way Man Gains Weight
CHICAGO—Opening up about how much different his life is these days, local man Brian Hinsdale told reporters Tuesday that his newfound sobriety had completely changed the way he gains weight. “For years, anytime I started putting on the pounds, it was b…
Woman Quickly Smashes Plate Over Head So She’ll Have Something To Talk About At Therapy
YONKERS, NY—Panicking after realizing she had absolutely nothing for their weekly session, local woman Janine Welch was reported to have quickly smashed a plate over her head Tuesday so she’d have something to talk about at therapy. “Shit, shit, I forg…
Microplastics Found In Human Blood For First Time
Scientists have detected microplastic pollution in human blood for the first time in a study that found the tiny particles in almost 80% of the people tested, showing that the particles can travel around the body and may lodge in organs. What do you th…
School’s Active Shooter Drill Includes Part Where Security Guard Practices Fleeing In Terror
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to run the exercise as realistically as possible, officials confirmed Tuesday that the active shooter drill at Canyon Hills High School included a part for the security guard to practice fleeing in terror. “As soon as you hear my…
McDonald’s Launches $99 Ripoff Menu
CHICAGO—Boasting that it was the absolute worst value of any fast food restaurant in the country, McDonald’s announced Tuesday that the company had launched a $99 ripoff menu. “Starting today, McDonald’s customers can buy all of their favorite classic …
Donation To Charity Flagged As Suspicious Activity
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Putin: J.K. Rowling And Russia Victims Of Western ‘Cancel Culture’
Russian president Vladimir Putin delivered a TV address in which he claimed the west is “trying to cancel” his country, comparing the cultural boycott against Russia to J.K. Rowling being “canceled” for her opinions on transgender people. What do you t…
Lies Russian State Media Is Telling About The War
All Russian soldiers who were killed on enemy land are considered traitors.Read more…