WASHINGTON—A report published Tuesday after the release of the inaugural photographs from NASA’s James Webb Telescope found that the deepest, sharpest images of the universe still pale in comparison to a Lisa Frank folder. “While the Webb telescope…
Author: The Onion
Jill Biden Doubles Down By Comparing Armenians To Byorek
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Weed Killer Chemical Tied To Cancer Found In 80% Of U.S. Urine Samples
A new CDC report has found that more than 80% of urine samples taken from 2,310 children and adults contained glyphosate, a weed-killing chemical found in herbicides around the world that has been linked to cancer. What do you think?Read more…
Child’s Leg Ruins Lawnmower
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Elon Musk Tries To Back Out Of Twitter Deal By Deleting App From Phone
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to back out of the $44 billion offer to buy the social media company, Elon Musk reportedly deleted the Twitter app from his phone on Tuesday. “God, this whole thing has turned into such a nightmare—it’s time to end this mess onc…
Amazon Supervisor Delivers Rousing Speech To Employees About Honorably Laying Down Lives For Prime Day
THOUSAND OAKS, CA—Applauding workers for making the ultimate sacrifice, Amazon supervisor Todd Clark delivered a rousing speech to employees Tuesday about honorably laying down their lives for Prime Day. “Though your body may perish on your delivery ro…
Sotheby’s Auctions Off Date With T. Rex Skeleton
NEW YORK—Informing the bustling crowd it was time to bid on the night’s big-ticket item, Sotheby’s officials announced Tuesday the auctioning off of a rare date with a T. rex skeleton. “Up next, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, one fabulous nigh…
Nashville Hot Dog Eatery Offering Free Milkshake With Proof Of Vasectomy
A Nashville hot dog eatery is offering customers a free milkshake for showing a doctor’s note as proof of having had a vasectomy in a promotion inspired by the overturning of Roe v. Wade and offered as an incentive for having the birth control procedur…
Lazy Bird Watcher Would Rather Just Watch Bird He’s Already Seen
PEABODY, MA—Admitting that he just wasn’t feeling that adventurous these days, lazy bird watcher Mark Edgar told reporters Tuesday that he’d rather just watch a bird that he’s already seen. “Sure, I get that I should check out some bird I’ve never seen…
Uber Eats Adds Feature Letting User Purposely Order Wrong Item So They Can Scream At Driver
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— Finally implementing a prototype that customers have been requesting for years, Uber Eats added a new feature Tuesday that lets users purposely order wrong items so they can scream at delivery drivers. “People need to blow off steam …