NEW YORK—Requesting an immediate explanation for this outrage, a report released Tuesday demanded which one of you ungrateful fucks clicked unsubscribe. “Seriously? After everything we’ve done for you, this is how you repay us?” read the report in p…
Author: The Onion
Airbnb Host Sends Renters Friendly Reminder To Avoid Using Or Touching Anything On Property
HOLLAND, MI—In an effort to emphasize a few important house rules, Airbnb host Gale Larsen reportedly sent her renters a friendly reminder Tuesday to avoid using or touching anything on the property. “Just want to make sure you’re aware of a few rules:…
EPA Closes Down After Running Out Of Salvageable Environment To Protect
WASHINGTON—In what has been hailed as a pragmatic decision amid widespread acknowledgment that its mission had become futile, the Environmental Protection Agency announced it had shut down Tuesday after running out of salvageable environment to protect…
Texas Sues Biden Administration Over Requiring Abortions In Medical Emergencies
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton (R) filed a lawsuit against the Biden administration, arguing that a recent directive for medical providers to offer abortions in emergency situations was unlawful. What do you think?Read more…
Dairy Queen Fires Employee Who Discovered Blizzard Machine Gained Sentience
ST. PAUL, MN—Concerns about the advancements of artificial intelligence in the private sector surfaced again Tuesday after anonymous sources with knowledge of the matter told reporters Dairy Queen had fired an employee who discovered that a Blizzard ma…
Barber Hopes To Make First Chair Someday
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Secret Service Deleted Jan. 6 Text Messages After Oversight Request
Texts sent between U.S. Secret Service agents on Jan. 5 and 6 of 2021 were erased after the agency’s oversight body sought the communications in a review into the Capitol attack, which they claim occurred as part of a device replacement program. What d…
Hospital Vaporized By Powerful Blast Of Energy Released From Splitting Conjoined Twins
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Democrats Worried Biden Will Be Healthy Enough To Run Again In 2024
WASHINGTON—Scrambling for how to respond to the incumbent potentially topping their ticket again, party operatives confided to reporters Monday that Democrats across the nation were extremely worried President Biden would be healthy enough to seek reel…
Californians React To The Homelessness Crisis
“Why don’t they just move into their parents’ guest house?”Read more…