TULSA, OK—After the drawing he made of a sinister killer wielding a knife came out looking more like a smiling kid holding a banana, it became apparent Friday that local 8-year-old Brandon McHurst simply wasn’t talented enough as an artist to convey hi…
Author: The Onion
The Pros And Cons Of Fast Fashion
Fast fashion, the trend of clothing producers replicating high-fashion designs and selling them at lower prices, has grown in recent years to become a nearly $100 billion industry, and some have criticized its consequences. The Onion looks at the pros …
NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird
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Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead
OSLO, NORWAY—In a dramatic escalation of a story that has gripped the chess world for weeks, the Hans Niemann cheating scandal reportedly spiraled out of control Friday as one of Magnus Carlsen’s longtime rooks was found shot dead in an Oslo alleyw…
Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion
CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-…
Experts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around Them
WASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an ex…
Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson
This November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.Read more…
48 Charged For Stealing $250 Million In Pandemic Funds Meant To Feed Needy Children
United States authorities charged 48 people in Minnesota with conspiracy and other counts in what they said Tuesday was the largest pandemic-related fraud scheme yet, stealing $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income childr…
Man At Strip Club Buffet Pays Extra To Get Private Time In Backroom With Buffalo Wing
PEABODY, MA—Saying he was looking forward to a more up-close-and-personal experience, local man Todd Hampton reportedly paid extra at the Déjà Vu strip club buffet Friday to get some private time in the backroom with a buffalo wing. “Oh yeah, ever sinc…
Flamethrower Set To Mist
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