ALMEDA, PA—Taking a moment of silence to honor the teachers and students who will soon lose their lives, President Joe Biden reportedly visited the Almeda Middle School Wednesday ahead of its deadly mass shooting. “Two weeks from today is going to be a…
Author: The Onion
CEOs Discuss How Unions Have Affected Their Companies
With the recent push for unionization within both Amazon and Starbucks, more and more employees have become inspired to organize. The Onion asked several CEOs how they felt about that, and this is what they said.Read more…
Researchers Confirm Determined Seagull Finally Made It Into Outer Space
SILVER SPRINGS, MD—In a press conference commending the bird’s tenacity in the face of serious obstacles, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration officials confirmed Wednesday that a determined seagull had finally made it into outer space. …
Shot Down
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Left-Wing Group Too Disorganized For FBI Agents To Infiltrate
NEW YORK—Admitting that they had been working for several years without any discernible success, FBI agents confirmed Wednesday that a local left-wing political group was too disorganized to infiltrate. “We’ve had a few guys in there posing as members…
Last Salem Witch Pardoned
Massachusetts lawmakers have formally exonerated Elizabeth Johnson Jr., clearing her name 329 years after she was convicted of witchcraft in 1693 and sentenced to death at the height of the Salem Witch Trials. What do you think?Read more…
‘I Said No Gifts!’ Screams Mom As Cloud Of Birthday Presents Begin To Violently Swirl Around Room
HUDSONVILLE, MI—Glaring at the family members who had dared disrespect her wishes, local mother Clarissa Sandona reportedly screamed “I said no gifts!” Wednesday as a cloud of birthday presents began to violently swirl around the room. “I told you I ha…
Off-Duty Officer Instinctively Reaches To Turn Off Body Cam During Argument With Wife
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Archaeologists Uncover Ancient ‘Big Dog’ Shirt Christ Wore To Sleep In
JERUSALEM—In an astounding find that experts say offers a look at the intimate home life of Jesus of Nazareth, a team of archaeologists announced Wednesday they had uncovered the ancient Big Dog shirt that Christ wore to sleep in. “The discovery of th…
Statue Reacts To Video Of Statue
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