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Author: The Onion
Study Finds Plants Make Noises When Stressed
A new study has found that “stressed” plants that have not been watered for several days or had their stems cut emit ultrasonic clicking noises that are undetectable to the human ear but may be heard by insects and other animals. What do you think?Read…
Defeated Paul Vallas Announces Plan To Open New Charter Chicago
CHICAGO—Moments after conceding to his opponent Brandon Johnson in Tuesday’s mayoral runoff, defeated candidate Paul Vallas announced his plan to open a new charter Chicago. “Established with a generous donation from an anonymous philanthropist, th…
Dalai Lama Agrees To Box Pope For Charity
LAS VEGAS—Promising the match would be the fight of the millennium, the Dalai Lama reportedly agreed this week to box Pope Francis for charity. “I’m calling out my longtime spiritual rival, the pope, for a 10-round, winner-take-all bout to raise aware…
Man Biting Into Messy Sandwich Lets Out Little Whimper Of Capitulation To Falling Condiments
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CTA Announces Significant Delays Due To An Unconscious Fear Of Success Manifesting Through Self-Sabotage
CHICAGO—Making repeated announcements over the platform loudspeakers and within the agency’s tracking apps, the Chicago Transit Authority informed the public of significant delays Wednesday due to an unconscious fear of success manifesting through self…
Tubi CEO Combs Through Goodwill Used DVDs Looking For Movies To Upload
SAN FRANCISCO—Conducting his monthly sweep for new content, Tubi CEO Farhad Massoudi was reportedly combing through a shelf of used DVDs at Goodwill Thursday looking for movies to upload to the streaming service. “American Hustle, fine, Secondhand Lion…
Researchers Clarify Health Warnings Against Too Much Exercise Only Relevant To, Like, 6 Or 7 Americans Tops
HOUSTON—Stressing that in no way did the advisory apply to more than at most a “handful of freaks,” researchers at Rice University issued a report Tuesday clarifying that health warnings against too much exercise are only relevant to, like, 6 or 7 peop…
The Lighter Side Of The Meatpacking Industry
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Stranger Whose Unachieved Athletic Goals Will Ruin Pickup Game Calls Next
FORT WAYNE, IN—In a move that would completely derail the contest through a toxic combination of resentment and hubris, a stranger whose unachieved athletic goals would ruin a pickup game at a local community basketball court Wednesday reportedly call…