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Author: The Onion
Planned Parenthood Mounts Giant IUD Atop Headquarters To Harness Sperm-Killing Power Of Lightning
NEW YORK—Cackling with glee as a violent storm swirled in the skies above, Planned Parenthood CEO Alexis McGill Johnson announced plans Thursday to kill all human sperm via a giant, lightning-powered IUD mounted atop the organization’s headquarters. “H…
Pros And Cons Of Casinos
Chicago is the latest U.S. city to approve the construction of a casino, a move that has stoked both excitement and controversy among residents. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of casinos.Read more…
Donda Sports Sets Modest Goal Of Only Ruining A Few Athletes’ Careers In First Year
LOS ANGELES—Confirming that the agency wanted to set realistic expectations for what it could accomplish, Donda Sports officials told reporters Thursday that they had set a modest goal of only ruining a few athletes’ careers in their first year. “The …
Bored Defense Department Bombing Empty Cans Off Fence Out Back Behind Pentagon
ARLINGTON, VA—Killing time between major combat operations, bored staff at the Defense Department spent an afternoon bombing empty cans off the fence out back behind the Pentagon, U.S. military sources reported Thursday. “Things have been a bit slow si…
FEMA Director Claims Spending Life Preparing For Natural Disasters No Way To Live
WASHINGTON—In an impassioned defense against a slew of criticism, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Deanne Criswell stated Thursday that spending life preparing for natural disasters was no way to live. “It’s a beautiful day—do you rea…
Robot Orders Increase 40% Amid Labor Shortage
According to a new report, orders for workplace robots have increased by 40% in the first three months of 2022 amid a labor shortage in the U.S. What do you think?Read more…
35-Year-Old Unsure Why He Underwhelmed By First-Place Win In Magic: The Gathering Tournament
SEATTLE—Saying he lacked any sense of personal fulfillment following the victory, local 35-year-old Jason Prasker reported Thursday that he was unsure why he felt so underwhelmed by his first-place win in a regional Magic: The Gathering tournament. “Ye…
Man Disguised As Old Woman Throws Cake At Mona Lisa In Climate Protest
A man seemingly disguised as an old woman in a wheelchair threw a piece of cake at the glass protecting the Mona Lisa at the Louvre Museum in Paris, in an apparent climate-related protest. What do you think?Read more…
Shifting Police Timeline Now States Uvalde, TX Never Existed
UVALDE, TX—Once again shifting the official timeline of how authorities reacted to a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School, Uvalde school police chief Pedro Arredondo released new details during a press conference Wednesday, stating that Uvalde, TX h…