Following the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden’s younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they sai…
Author: The Onion
North Korea Expels U.S. Soldier Who Crossed Border
U.S. officials have confirmed that Travis King, the American soldier who crossed into North Korea two months ago, has been expelled from the country and is in U.S. custody. What do you think?Read more…
Released U.S. Soldier Won’t Shut Up About North Korean Candy
SAN ANTONIO, TX—Claiming that the Army private looks for any opportunity to mention the sweets, sources confirmed Thursday that released U.S. soldier Travis King won’t shut up about North Korean candy. “He goes on and on about the sugar-coated peanut …
Report: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels
WASHINGTON—Warning about the grave fallout should Republicans and Democrats fail to find common ground in negotiations, a report released Thursday by the Congressional Budget Office found that a government shutdown could imperil hundreds of Americans c…
SNAP Recipients Now Required To Show Starvation-Induced Organ Failure
SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming the plan would ensure benefits went toward those who truly needed them, a new proposal by San Francisco Mayor London Breed would require Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to demonstrate starvation-induced organ…
Unsound System
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Whole Foods Closes 6 More Stores After Customer Tries Blueberry Without Paying For It
AUSTIN, TX—Ascribing the decision to prioritizing the safety of the chain’s employees and customers, grocery retailer Whole Foods announced Thursday that they would be closing 6 more stores across the country after a customer tried a blueberry without …
Ford’s Theatre Tickets For Night Of Lincoln’s Murder Sell At Auction For $262,500
A pair of front-row balcony tickets to Ford’s Theatre on April 14, 1865—the night President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth—sold at auction for $262,500. What do you think?Read more…
What To Know About The United Auto Workers Strike
Thousands of United Auto Workers members have walked off the job since the union initiated its strike on Sept. 15. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about about the UAW strike.Read more…
Generation Derek: Born Between 5:04 And 5:05 P.M. On April 9, 1980, Meet The Generation That’s Just One Guy
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