A Brooklyn bishop and his wife were robbed of more than $1 million worth of jewelry by three gunmen during a live-streamed church service. What do you think?Read more…
Author: The Onion
The Onion Reviews ‘When Harry Met Sally’
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CDC Issues Emergency Authorization For Local Man To Go Shirtless During Heat Wave
ATLANTA—Amid another week of record-breaking heat, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky issued an emergency authorization Tuesday for local 35-year-old David Drazen to go shirtless. “We’d normally express more hesitancy, but seeing as he’s already sweated th…
Americans React To Biden’s Covid Diagnosis
On July 21, 2022, President Joe Biden was diagnosed with Covid-19. The Onion asked Americans how they felt, and this is what they said.Read more…
Study Finds Joggers Burn Up To 200 Calories From Repeatedly Pulling Down Bunched-Up Shorts
COLUMBUS, OH—According to a comprehensive, decade-long study published Tuesday by sports medicine researchers at the Ohio State University, joggers burn up to 200 calories during a 30-minute run simply from pulling down their bunched-up shorts over and…
Struggling Company Rebrands As Good
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Announcing a major departure from its long history as an unsuccessful enterprise, struggling cosmetics company Serendipity Beauty Emporium rebranded Monday as good. “For years, the story of our company has been one of struggle, but …
Walgreens Customers Denied Birth Control, Condoms On Religious Grounds
Customers are calling for a Walgreens boycott after claims that customers are being denied birth control and condoms, with the pharmacy stating its policy allows employees to step away from filling a prescription for which they have a moral objection. …
Grandmother Slams Back Handful Of Pills Like Raver In Bathroom Of German Nightclub
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Bullshit Mass Grave Just One Guy
FARMINGTON, NM—Decrying the large, mostly empty hole they had just excavated as a “total goddamned tease,” angry investigators confirmed Tuesday that a bullshit mass grave was actually just one guy. “What the fuck—are you seriously going to tell me th…
WHO Declares Monkeypox Spread A Global Health Emergency
The World Health Organization has declared the international monkeypox outbreak a global emergency, the last issued global health emergency occurring in Jan. 2020 in response to the Covid-19 outbreak. What do you think?Read more…