President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think…
Author: The Onion
Court Rules Domestic Abusers Cannot Be Barred From Owning Instrument Of Vengeance
WASHINGTON—Claiming that previous laws were inconsistent with the U.S. Constitution, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled this week that domestic abusers could not be barred from owning an instrument of vengeance. “According to the court’s historic…
Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon
WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say un…
Florida Board Of Education Removes Africa From World Maps
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying the continent’s existence raised numerous questions of bias and accountability in the classroom, the Florida Board of Education reportedly responded to heated statewide controversy Friday by removing Africa from all world maps…
Geneticists Announce They Have Resurrected Woolly Mammoth’s Trunk Only
AUSTIN, TX—In a watershed breakthrough in the effort to bring back extinct species by synthesizing their DNA in a laboratory, a team of geneticists announced Friday they had resurrected a woolly mammoth’s trunk, though not any other part of the animal….
U.S. Blows Itself Up So China Can’t Have It
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Newly Discovered Sketches Reveal Regional Chain Restaurants Lewis And Clark Encountered On Expedition Across America
WASHINGTON—In a stunning revelation that demonstrates the expedition’s deep cultural significance, historians at the National Archives announced Friday the discovery of sketches that depict the regional chain restaurants Lewis and Clark encountered dur…
Tom Brady Retires Again
Seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady has announced his second retirement from the NFL a year after announcing it the first time and after a regular season in which his Buccaneers finished with an 8-9 record. What do you think?Read more…
Teen Boys Beat Shit Out Of ChatGPT Servers After It Only Gets Them ‘C’ On Assignment
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Rules To Follow When Dating A Friend’s Ex
There are 8 billion other people on the planet, and yet you’ve chosen to date a friend’s ex. If you’re currently stuck in this unfortunate situation, here are some rules you should follow.Read more…