NEW YORK—Thanking the pathetic individual for helping end a scourge to the city’s streets, the City of New York announced Friday that Timothy Waller, a very sad man, had adopted all 500,000 of its feral cats. “Mr. Waller has gone above and beyond i…
Author: The Onion
Christian Televangelist Pat Robertson Dead At 93
Christian televangelist Pat Robertson, who helped make religion central to Republican Party politics in America through his Christian Coalition, has died at 93. What do you think?Read more…
This Week’s Most Viral News: June 9, 2023
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New Florida Bill Allows Guns To Start Businesses
TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to achieve greater equality among a community deeply woven into the fabric of the state’s culture, a new Florida bill signed into law Friday would allow guns to start businesses. “For too long, pistols and semiautomatic rif…
‘You Better Not Talk,’ Trump Warns Classified Document
PALM BEACH, FL—Gritting his teeth as he spoke, former President Donald Trump reportedly said “You better not talk” Friday in a stern warning to one of the classified documents at the center of his recent federal indictment. “I mean it—if you utter so m…
Fans And Pros React To The PGA–LIV Merger
Despite potentially violating antitrust laws, the PGA Tour and LIV Golf recently announced a planned merger. The Onion asked golf fans and pros what they thought about the merger, and this is what they said.Read more…
Conservatives Explain How Pride Has Gone Too Far
Following numerous boycotts of companies that show support for the human beings in the LGBTQ community, The Onion asked conservatives to explain how pride has gone too far, and this is what they said.Read more…
Report Finds Tobacco Industry Aware Of Harmful Effects Of Flicking Lit Cigarette Into Giant Trail Of Gasoline For Years
BETHESDA, MD—According to a new report released Friday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health, the tobacco industry knew about the harmful effects of flicking a lit cigarette into a giant trail of gasoline for years, but chose to remain qu…
GOP Megadonor’s Bat-Wielding Goons Remind Clarence Thomas He Still Owes Him 500 Rulings
WASHINGTON—Casually sweeping a line of picture frames off an entryway table onto the floor with a crash, the bat-wielding goons of an anonymous GOP megadonor reportedly visited Clarence Thomas Friday to remind him that he still owes their employer 500 …
Every Professional Sports Team Moves To Las Vegas
LAS VEGAS—Citing a favorable economic climate and a growing fanbase clamoring for more opportunities to watch games, every single professional sports team announced Friday that they are moving to Las Vegas. “We are excited to break ground on our new st…