WASHINGTON—Emphasizing this was not the type of job they could simply complete in a day or two, custodians warned leaders in the House of Representatives Friday that it could take months to remove all the cashmere sweaters from former congressman Geor…
Author: The Onion
Kamala Harris Nervous About Flying On Plane For First Time
WASHINGTON—Saying she was taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm down after boarding her flight to Dubai for the COP28 climate conference, sources reported Friday that Vice President Kamala Harris was nervous about flying on a plane for the first t…
Unemployed George Santos Stands In Times Square With Sign Reading ‘I Am SpongeBob’
NEW YORK—Following his shocking expulsion from Congress, former Rep. George Santos of New York was spotted in Times Square Friday holding a sign that read “I am SpongeBob.” “Come on over and snap a photo with ‘the Bob,’” said the disgraced and currentl…
Biden Administration Proposes Removal Of All Lead Water Pipes In 10 Years
A proposed mandate from the Environmental Protection Agency seeks to drastically reduce lead in the nation’s drinking water over the next 10 years by replacing all old pipes across the country, a measure that could cost $30 billion but would prevent ex…
This Week’s Most Viral News: December 1, 2023
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Apartment Surveyed For Best Place To Attempt Cartwheel
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Things The Left Doesn’t Tolerate On College Campuses
While liberals claim to be accepting, many right-wing college students are relentlessly persecuted for their conservative beliefs. Here are many of the things that the so-called tolerant left refuses to tolerate on college campuses.Read more…
Terror À La Cart
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Everyone Witnessing Second Coming Just Going To Pretend They Already Knew Jesus Christ Had Crab Claws For Hands
JERUSALEM—Struggling not to betray their surprise at the large, crustacean-like appendages being waved around by the Son of God, people currently witnessing the Second Coming were apparently just going to pretend they already knew Jesus had crab claws …
NASA Removes Last Confederate Satellite From Earth’s Orbit
WASHINGTON—Turning the page on what they acknowledged was a painful chapter in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced Friday they had decommissioned and removed the last Confederate satellite from Earth’s orbit. “A vital part of the Confe…