The Daily Beast reported that Herschel Walker, the pro-life Republican nominee in Georgia’s Senate race, paid for an abortion in 2009, allegedly reimbursing the woman he got pregnant for the procedure and sending her a get-well card. What do you think?…
Author: The Onion
Journalists Marvel At Maggie Haberman’s Ability To Get Man Who Never Shuts Up To Answer Questions
NEW YORK—Lauding the incredible acumen required to obtain access to the subject of her new biography, Confidence Man: The Making Of Donald Trump And The Breaking Of America, journalists nationwide marveled Wednesday at Maggie Haberman’s ability to get …
Backwoods Dietitians Recommend Squirrel As Essential Part Of Good Eatin’
PAW PAW, WV—Claiming the rodent meat was plumb key for fillin’ you up, backwoods dietitians recommended squirrel Wednesday as an essential part of good eatin’. “Accordin’ to what I had done seen, if you wantin’ something dang tasty, it’s absolutely nee…
Scientists Find Dolphins Only Other Mammal That Jet Ski For Pleasure
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Attendees Solemnly Flip Chairs Around To Sit Backwards At Coolio’s Memorial
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Man Starting To Suspect Chess Opponent With All Queens Hustling Him
NEW YORK—Questioning whether the other player had misrepresented his skill level, local man Victor Luongo told reporters Tuesday he was starting to suspect his chess opponent with all queens was hustling him. “He insisted when we were laying down money…
Kevin McCarthy Claims Lack Of Mental Health Services In Schools Got Him Where He Is Today
WASHINGTON—Explaining why he and nearly every Republican in the House of Representatives had voted against a bill that would increase student access to counseling services, Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy stated Wednesday that a lack of mental healthcar…
Identical Twins Unconcerned After Having Bodies Swapped By Lightning Strike
SEEKONK, MA—After groggily waking up and looking down at their unfamiliar clothes, local identical twins Graham and Greg Lindwood were said to be largely unconcerned Wednesday after having their bodies swapped by a lightning strike. “Wait…but if I’m yo…
2022 Nobel Prize Winners
Committees in Norway and Sweden are awarding the Nobel Prizes this week to recognize important contributions by individuals in specific fields. The Onion runs down the list of 2022 Nobel Prize winners.Read more…
What To Say To A Partner If You Gave Them An STI
With gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis sharply on the rise in the United States, it’s more important than ever to be prepared. If you’ve given your partner an STI, here’s what you should say.Read more…