WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden today announced that his administration will be helping the hostages trapped in Afghanistan after all, once it was revealed that a world-renowned McDonald’s ice cream machine repairman was one of the captives.
The post Biden Decides To Help American Hostages After Learning The McFlurry Machine Repairman Is On The Plane appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
ATLANTA, GA—The CDC has issued new guidelines that specifically call out anyone relying on a functioning immune system as being anti-science.
The post Immune System Criticized As Anti-Science appeared first on The Babyl…
AUSTIN, TX—After the Supreme Court declined to block the new Texas heartbeat law, feminists have been in a complete panic trying to figure out what one does with babies other than killing them. “They don’t teach any of this in femini…
SACRAMENTO, CA—According to sources, Biden is decisively responding to various disasters and crises around the world by sending Kamala Harris to California to campaign for Gavin Newsom.
The post Gavin Newsom Begs K…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Several prominent Republicans came forward this week to call for the impeachment or resignation of whoever on earth is telling Biden what to do every day.
The post Republicans Call For Impeachment Of Wh…
U.S.—The new adaptation of Frank Herbert’s Dune comes out October 22nd, but many critics have already seen the film and are weighing in. One controversial scene stands out as a significant departure from the book: Hero Paul Atreides takes …
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference this morning, Press secretary Jen Psaki proudly confirmed that everyone has made it safely out of Afghanistan and there are no hostages at all.
The post Psaki: ‘There Are No Americ…
KABUL—Nancy Pelosi landed at the airport in Kabul today on a mission to reach out to stranded Americans there. She’s not on a rescue mission or there to provide any relief, though, and is instead lecturing them on how bad January 6 was. “We have to educate these people on how bad that insurrection was,” she told reporters before flying out. “They don’t have access to as much information, news, or internet out there, so it’s possible they haven’t heard about January 6 and what a dark day that was for our country.”
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PORTLAND, OR—Henry Trudeau is passionately pro-union. He changes his profile picture to support unions that are going on strike and browses Twitter to voice his support for teachers’ unions, ironworkers’ unions, and any other union that gets involved in a labor dispute. He likes unions so much, in fact, that he decided to go all the way and join one. But he was disappointed to discover that in order to join a union he would first have to get a job.
The post Liberal Wants To Join A Union But Realizes He’d Have To Get A Job appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
NEW YORK, NY—Rolling Stone has nabbed an exclusive report on the whereabouts of Bat Boy. The 100% true, incredible, shocking article was published as a cover story this month by the reputable magazine, trusted by all for its impeccable fact-chec…