CHICAGO, IL—After watching Larry Elder on the receiving end of racist hate crime attacks in California, a very jealous Jussie Smollett disguised himself as the California candidate for Governor in hopes that people will commit some rea…
Author: The Babylon Bee
‘Even We Have Standards’: More Birds Refusing To Crap On New York Times
U.S.—More domesticated birds, known for being emotionally fragile and fussy, are raising their standards and refusing to crap on low-quality newspapers such as The New York Times.
The post ‘Even We Have Standards’:…
With No Abortions Or Voter Fraud, Bored Texas Democrats Left With Nothing To Do All Day
AUSTIN, TX—It’s been very depressing lately for Democrats in Texas. Recently, a bill outlawing almost all abortions was upheld, and just the other day a new bill was signed into law clamping down on voter fraud.
The pos…
‘We’re On The Right Side Of History’, Says Party Whose Abortion Position Is Endorsed By North Korea, Harvey Weinstein, Church Of Satan
U.S.—The party that believes they are on the right side of history on every question of politics and morality also shares their position on abortion with North Korea, Harvey Weinstein, and the Chuch of Satan, sources confirmed Wednesday.
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More States Pass Abortion Laws In Hopes Of Triggering Travel Ban From Portland
U.S.—After Mayor Ted Wheeler of Portland announced a trade and travel ban against Texas due to their ban on abortion, several more states across the country are racing to enact their own abortion bans so that Portland will ban travel to the…
Biden Warns Of Especially Severe ‘Whirlyswirly Wind’ Season This Year
WILMINGTON, DE—Sitting down before a crowd of newsy-talky-folks holding moving-picture-takers and talky-wordy-keepers, President Joe Biden gave a stern warning that the United States may experience an especially severe whirly-swirly-wind season …
CDC Says A New COVID Variant May Be Needed To Effectively Bury Afghanistan News
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Officials at the CDC said today that the surprising virulence and persistence of Afghanistan news may require a whole new COVID variant to distract the country from it.
The post CDC Says A New COVID Variant M…
10 Reasons It’s Way Better To Just Let The Government Take Care Of The Poor
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Angel Soft Releases New ‘Devil Hard’ Toilet Paper For Atheists
U.S.—Amid cries from the atheist community for products that are more sensitive to their worldview, Angel Soft® brand toilet paper has announced a brand new line of products specifically for those who know God isn’t real—called “Devil Hard.”
The post Angel Soft Releases New ‘Devil Hard’ Toilet Paper For Atheists appeared first on The Babylon Bee.
Democrats Warn If More States Pass Election Integrity Laws There Will Be A Devastating Decline In Cheating
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Congress have condemned the recent election integrity law passed in Texas. In addition to the laws being extremely racist, misogynistic, and homophobic, Democrat politicians are saying that such laws will lead …