TAMPA, FL — A page turned on a legendary NFL career and opened the door to exciting possibilities for the future today, as Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady announced he is permanently retired and also open to fielding offers to play for other…
Author: Babylon Bee
Trump Expected To Announce New Nickname For Nikki Haley On February 15th
MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Donald Trump teased today that he will be dropping a devastating new nickname for Nikki Haley come February 15th.
Biden Shows Off New Electric Car That Can Hold Over 17 Boxes Of Classified Documents
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden took to the streets of D.C. today to promote a brand new electric car, capable of holding at least seventeen boxes of highly-classified documents.
Ozzy Announces He Is Retiryouknow, The Thing With Sabbath And The Flibberyloo, An-n-n-Tony Andi Wit The Bloody Timeof Our Lives
LOS ANGELES — In a touching message to fans, Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne has announced he is “retiryouknow, the thing with Sabbath and the flibberyloo, an-n-n Tony andi wit the bloody timeof our lives, mate.”
Everyone Ordered To Pay Everyone Reparations As Every Race Owned Every Race At Some Point
WASHINGTON, DC — In a stunning development sure to cause significant controversy around the globe, every human being on earth has been ordered to make financial reparations payments to every other human being in the world due to the fact that at some p…
12 Life Hacks To Avoid Looking At Women In The Gym
Have you ever been tempted to glance at a barely dressed woman when you’re at the gym? Stop it, weakling! Women everywhere are trying to get you to stare at them so they can shame you on TikTok. Don’t let this happen to you!
‘Hey, What Happened To All The Dinosaurs?’ Asks Noah’s Wife As He Grills Up A 37-Foot-Long Rack Of Ribs
THE ARK — After being sealed in for what felt like ages, Noah’s wife Naamah has started to wonder whatever happened to all the dinosaurs they let on the ark.
Mom Confident Family Has What It Needs To Survive WWIII Now That The Tomato Plant Has Sprouted
KANSAS CITY, MO — A local mother expressed relief and finally sat down to rest from her marathon session of doomsday preparation, confident that her family was now ready to endure the upcoming outbreak of World War III because her tomato plant had spro…
Miracle: Biden Ends Same COVID Pandemic For The Third Time
WASHINGTON, D.C. — First, there were the loaves and the fishes. Then came the Trump Presidency. Now, the United States has been blessed to witness another miracle, as President Biden has ended the same COVID-19 pandemic three times in a row.
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Gay Couple Shops For A Designer Baby To Match Their Shoes
ASHEVILLE, NC — According to sources, local gay couple Garth Millens and Chaz Nimby have begun the process of shopping for a brand-new designer baby to adopt as their own — hopefully one that matches their shoes and will look fetching when they’re walk…