SEATTLE, WA — Lifelong Pearl Jam fan Dirk Ledbetter announced a huge personal achievement this weekend on a grunge music forum, claiming he was close to figuring out three of Pearl Jam’s lyrics.
Author: Babylon Bee
After Latest Gaffe, White House Staff Remove Biden’s Brain, Blow On It, Put it Back In
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After another horrendously embarrassing day of gaffes for President Biden, White House aides decided to try removing his brain, blowing on it, then sticking it back in.
8 Meals Every Family Can Afford Under Bidenomics
Is Bidenomics getting you down? With so many people struggling in the current economic environment, it’s helpful to know what you can afford.
Andy Stanley Challenges Bible To MMA Fight
ALPHARETTA, GA — In response to heavy criticism of his progressive theological views, North Point Community Church Pastor Andy Stanley has issued a public challenge to face the Bible in an MMA fight.
In Controversial New ‘Paw Patrol’ Episode, Chase Gets Neutered To Become Transgender
U.S. — In a controversial new episode of Paw Patrol that aired this week on Nick Jr., Chase gets neutered so he can become the world’s first transgender pup.
Senate Relaxes Rules To Allow Fetterman To Take Baths In Reflecting Pool
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a gracious move of bipartisanship, the Senate voted to relax rules to allow their freshman Senator Jabba The Fetterman to take a bath in the reflecting pool.
7 Great Things To Say To Your Wife While She’s On Her Period
It’s that "special time" of the month, your wife has that crazy look in her eyes, and you know your next words could be your last. What do you say?
Dying Goliath Bitterly Realizes He’s About To Be Turned Into A Lot Of Bad Metaphors
GATH — As the giant Goliath lay sprawled on the ground, defeated by a small shepherd boy, he couldn’t help but reflect on the impending onslaught of poorly constructed metaphors about his defeat.
Nation Torn Between Party That Openly Supports Perversion And Party That Only Secretly Supports Perversion
U.S. — Following multiple embarrassing, high-profile scandals on both sides of the political aisle, the American people expressed conflicted feelings about whether they should vote for a party that openly supports perversion or a party that only secret…
Herod’s Daughter Kinda Wishing She Had Just Asked For A Cute Purse Or Something
MADABA, JORDAN — After receiving John the Baptist’s head on a platter as requested, Herod’s daughter started to wish she had just asked for a cute purse instead.